bulimia is in order... or anorexia?!?!

well, has not lost any weight during the past three weeks. i'm pissed off... extremely... i find myself unhappy, and often times moody. i'm on a temper roller coaster! woohoo~~~~

i started baking again to divert my attention and to make myself feel better. the downside is that i ate some of the stuff i baked. at least seven oatmeal raisin cookies and a big ass chunk of rice crispy treat. DAMN ME!!!

lately, i've been having a lot of doubt toward myself... i want to be happy again. but lately, that seems to be the hardest thing and the farthest goal to reach.

我有肥膏！！！

sad to announce... i've gained weight. TONS OF IT TOO!!! when i lost twenty pounds in 2006, i was happy... prancing around and proud to wear tank tops and shorts. but now, i wear dolly dresses just so i can cover up rolls and rolls of fat on my belly.

my 肥膏 didn't come from no where. i ate and ate and did not exercise as often as i did back in '06. i've also bagged myself a boyfriend... and when i cook, i cook a cauldron of stuff; oxtail soup, red wine beef stew, curry, anzuki soup.... two giant rib eye steak for two, butter whipped mashed potatoes, grilled head of salmon.... friggin' a.

so what am i gonna do? i hate exercising... so i guess i'll have to decrease my portion intake. AND LOWER ZEE CARB!!! so far... i've lost three pounds over two weeks. proud? not sure yet but will definitely keep it going and if i feel like it, i may throw in a few work out sessions~

WHEN SPRING IS HERE, ROADKILL APPEAR~

Weather has been more than nice lately. Been walking around with less than four layers of clothing on... which is good... otherwise you'll just see a 5'3" gal with two tank tops, a long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, a hoodie, and a sweater on. This is excluding the jacket and a big arse scarf. anyway, this should be about road kill...

So I was driving towards Sonoma one Sunday and the sky was blue, sun was beaming through the car window, burning my friggin' left arm and I notice the first road kill... semi flat, fur of this animal was still recognizable, but the blood was dried up. First reaction (and this is ALWAYS my frist reaction when I see a road kill) was chanting "阿彌陀佛" (o-mi-tuo-fo) five times, this is to send the spirit of whatever animal that was deceased/killed to a peace and quiet place so it can reincarnate into a better being in it's next life.

Second reaction, I will start processing/identifying the form, the color, the pattern of the fur, and the size of this particular road kill so I can figure out what specific animal it was. Was it an squirrel? Too small to be one... a skunk? too grey to be one... a possum... yeah that should be it.

I often find squirrels along the Frontage road which is by the coast line parelle to 80E, guess it's easy access for them to cross the street/road. Then also a great risk to lose your precious life! Skunks are often found in the suburbs. Like when I go and visit my cousins in Walnut Creek or San Ramon. Great neighborhoods (expensive too) but friggin' great place for skunks to congregate. They party there like there ain't no tomorrow~ I guess possums like the Berkeley area better since I see them more often, they're the "hippies" of road kill.

Hardest to identify - Raccoons. They roam around at night, by the time you see them in the morning, the remains are already splat flat and generally unrecognizable. I like raccoons, other than that rabies factor... they're cute... little tricksters of the night (flipping through your garbage cans scavenging for food). Dark circles that resembles me after consecutive nights of partying of insomnia. It's quite hard for me to see them on the freeways or the side of the streets.

My condolences goes out to those rittle mammals who have lost their lives in the attempts of crossing the street/freeways.

I like spring, just not the sight of road kill.

what can make me laugh so hard that i will result in tears...

PEOPLE HURTING THEMSELVES AND GETTING THEIR STUPID ARSES CAUGHT ON TAPE.

i know that's mean but you have to agree with me, it's friggin' hilarious~

sight of blood calms me down!

i think the pictures explain it all~

meaning of life... ending of life...

somewhere along one's life, you've gotta think about this question, "what is the meaning of life?" and after that question is somewhat answered by your own brain, you think to yourself again "then why live for so long?"

i, obviously have thought about this question and often times thinking about it leads to morbid suicidal thoughts. life - birth, growth, death. you learn tons along the way but is there ever a limit? like those who are unfortunately born with mental illness, where they can learn only so much. what is the meaning of life for them? those who had promising careers in sports or music and all of a sudden their careers are shattered/shortened by accidents like DUIs, or health issues, etc. for me, life would be shit after that.

when the movie "Million Dollar Baby" came out, i spent days wondering if i should go see it since i already knew it ain't got a happy ending to it. furthermore, when a friend told me the entire plot of the story, i basically said "fack it, i'm already depressed, i don't need to see it." however, i agreed only on one thing with the character, at least a small part of it... is the feeling of wanting to die after realizing you're ruined for life. the once independent and awesome character within you has been torn out of you by a single punch, which led to a fall, and she was paralyzed for life. i do not want to be like that at all.

do i have expectations in life? yes, i do... but so far majority of them failed to achieve my level of satisfaction... and believe me, i have very low standards. do i ever feel happy? yes, i do. however, i'm rarely happy with myself.... i consider myself as a hopeless case or a total failure and people around me are just very patient with me. well... that's it for now... peace out...

p.s i'm very very random... rarely will you see a solid conclusion with my posts... so please bear with me~ thank you very much~

I kinda like doing upper endoscopy~

Ain't much to say about this procedure... one might find it painful but I rather enjoy it. The technology fascinates me as to how a little camera can be attached to a tube and be stuck down someone's throat, through their esophagus and take pictures of one's stomach. Interesting... very very interesting.

On Friday, Feb. 27th, 2009, I had my fourth upper endoscopy done. I've always had stomach issues ever since I was a kid, but I could never figure out why nor do my parents. Therefore, I had my first endoscopy at 17... then another somewhat two years later... and another in early 2008. I rather like it especially when they started doing the "painless" ones. Painless meaning they put you under anesthesia. AWESOME!! I ain't no doctor, but it sure feels good once they inject it in ya~ breathe, breathe, breathe, and I'm OUT.

I woke up and my mom was gone but my dad came to make sure I was okay. That was the best sleep I have had in this past year! I need more of that stuff... my sleeping pills just ain't enough! Ambien, Eurodin, and Stilnox, whatever's more potent than those thingy, BRING IT ON!!